Leaving My Sanctuary: Breakdown!

A woman, staring through a mirror… In the mirror lies an alternate reality that the woman is fascinated with. In the mirror is a reflection of her with her face blown apart with other characters that have similar faces. The reflection features her “friends” as one of them stands behind her with a gun. The reflection is vibrant, full of color, as the reality that the woman resides in is black and white. In this world of black and white, lies the woman’s demons. Her dark thoughts hides in the shadows and patiently waits until she’s done fantasizing about a place that she doesn’t belong in.

I made this piece to show the fear and anxiety that I have when it comes to forming bonds of friendships and comradery. I’m not very keen on surrounding myself with unfamiliar faces because I’ve seen the horrors and pain that people tend to cause their “friends”. I feel much safer in the company of my own demons and dark thoughts than the company of others. Truth is I’m jealous and sometimes lonely. I am not so blind that I cannot see the beauty and joy of conversing with others…I just have a hard time communicating with others and don’t wanna get hurt. I’ve learned that I might have to take a few risks and take a step out of my lonely reality if I want to get anywhere in life. I can’t simply just avoid of others because of something they may or may not do. I understand that people in general do not hold bad intentions to hurt the ones they love, they just make selfish decisions without considering your feelings.

This piece is important because it acts as a milestone on my journey to become a better individual. It highlights the fear that I didn’t know I had until I started this piece. Human beings are social creatures that experience joy and happiness from just forming connections with others. Which explains how my reality became so lifeless and deprived of energy (color).

The mirror that I have illustrated is not just a window to a different reality where I have made friends who have decided to hurt me, but is a reflection of myself. My perception is a clear reflection of who I am and displays the things that I must change. Why do I have such distrust of others? Is it from personal experience? Is it because that’s what’s displayed in society? Maybe it’s because I haven’t forgiven myself for my own failures to be there for the people I love. I’ve made many great mistakes and I’ve said/done things that I can’t take back. I can acknowledge that I’m not that person any more and that I’m better now, but for some reason I think I’m still hanging on to shit that needs to be put to rest.

From my experience, people can sometimes hurt and bring others down because they can’t live with the fact that they hate themselves. They would rather tear others down instead of building themselves up just to make themselves feel better, so that they won’t feel so alone. As I look around more and more people are learning the importance of setting clear boundaries between them and their loved ones. This is something that I may have been a little late on, but I’m learning now. As of toady, I’m leaving my sanctuary and saying goodbye to the demons that hide in the shadows of the bright future that I am building for myself. I can no longer let my fears guide my decisions and dictate my future. I will endure any hardship and embrace the blessings and opportunities to meet like minded individuals.

Thank you.