The Ongoing Sacrifice: Breakdown

“The Ongoing Sacrifice”, another piece regarding my love life. I have illustrated a man in black and white, drinking out of a broken mug with a little girl sitting at the bottom with a liquid spilling out. This piece was intended to be up for interpretation as I didn’t want the message of this piece to be so obvious. I did this because I didn’t want a person that I love to feel bad, because this is about her. I won’t list a name, but the little girl sitting within the mug is a picture of her from when she was little. Smiling while holding a sun flower, she is one of the few things with in this piece that is in color. Her favorite color is yellow, but she also enjoys the colors pink and orange. I feel as though that the color yellow matches the bright personality that she has, and it has been something that I have always wanted to protect. The man in the image has the top of his head removed where you would be able to see one’s brain. Inside of his head is an engine that is overworked and emitting black smoke into the air.

Many people have interpreted this piece as the struggles and sacrifices that a man has to overcome as a father. I kind of like that, I think its cute as well as admirable. However, I drew this piece because I needed to vent. I needed to express the exhaustion and the pain that I have felt for so many years while trying to take care of someone that I love more than myself. I would never go as far to say that it has been a burden because it is something that I take pride in… being there for someone that is. I think I also made this piece because I wanted something physical to represent how I tried my hardest to do something honorable. Perhaps I wanted it as a small trophy? No, maybe I just wanted someone to acknowledge the sacrifices I’ve made.

While I was making this piece, I learned that my actions, my objective, wasn’t as selfless as I thought. I had to ask myself, why was I trying so hard? Was it really all for her sake? I wanted her to be happy, that much is true. However, I also didn’t want to let her down because of my own fear being a failure. Let me explain.. My first love passed away back in 2018 as she was hit by a car and then died in the hospital later that night. She was my world and I lost her. One of the last things she had said to me was “You’re never there for me when I need you most”, and I guess that was proven to be true as I didn’t even get to see her before she died. I was busy sleeping while her family kept blowing my phone up. I found out the next morning that she died and I have felt so much guilt since that day, even after all these years. Eventually, I moved on, thinking that I had healed and then I met her (the girl I made this piece about). Without realizing it, I tried to make up for my failures by being there for her. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being there for her and making the same mistakes. Overall I would say that I was successful, although It was not perfect.

This girl has gone through her own fair share of losses and loneliness, so perhaps, I was the perfect person to help guide her through her own struggles. She had said things to me that started to really make me feel the weight of what I was trying to accomplish. She genuinely depended on me, she needed me and I knew that I couldn’t let her down. I stretched myself thin, I pushed past my breaking point. I had lied, I had hurt others, I had sacrificed more than you could ever know, all for a purpose that one could never understand.

My heart is filled with so much sadness and anguish at this moment. Not because of what I had to endure, but because it all has to come to an end. Frida Kahlo once wrote about how she loved her husband like as a mother who loves her son; like how a daughter loves her father, how a sister loves her brother, etc. Frida’s love for her husband was unconditional, and that’s all I’ve ever had for this woman since the day that I had met her. When I truly look at her, I see a child that has cried from loneliness and grief and I see the love and passion for life in her eyes. I have been watching over her all this time and it has made me realize that the only thing I can do for her now is let her go. In order for her to grow as an individual, I can’t keep protecting her. Especially now since we’re not together anymore. We broke up years ago and I’ve still been trying to fulfill a purpose that isn’t needed anymore. I can put the mug down now. This no longer has to be an ongoing sacrifice.

I don’t expect anyone to relate to this piece in the slightest. My biggest hope is that someone can learn from this piece and begin to reflect on their own lives, and then start their healing journey. I do not regret my actions nor the choices I have made. In the same scenario I would do it all again, but I would have put my mug down sooner for both our sakes. This is my piece “The Ongoing Sacrifice”

“The Ongoing Sacrifice”

2024

Charcoal and color pencils

11 x 14 inches

$300

Available for purchase in my shop!