Time Without

“Time Without”, is a 14x17 inch piece made with charcoal and pastels on heavy-weight paper. It is a image of a man wearing a white tank top and a hat that says, “dad?” in the front. The man has his hands in front of his face as if he’s trying to cover it or perhaps take ahold of something. His face is hollowed out like a dark cave with a small child sitting and crying into his own arms, which makes it look like the man is preventing the audience from seeing inside his face. He is also wearing a watch on his left wrist that is turning to ashes as black smoke is emitting from it. The background is a blank baby blue color, which makes the figure standout in contrast.

I made this piece to shed light on my relationship with my dad, but also my experience growing up without him and how that has affected me as an adult. I’ve spent many years without my father and always wishing I had a close bond with him. However, time has seem to gotten the best of both of us as that bond was never created. Although, we could still try to form a better connection as it’s never too late to put in some sort of effort, I came to peace with the fact that we just simply missed out on so many crucial experiences and I’m okay with the way things are. While I’m at peace now, I can’t help but think that my inner child still hasn’t been healed. I grew up desperately wanting to be loved and to feel like I wasn’t a burden or mistake in the world. I never really received that reassurance that I was looking for and thus some of my aspirations in life were driven by that desire. So this man with a crying child that resides within him is me.

If your inner child hasn’t been healed or you’re still suffering from some pain from many years ago, then you should probably take the proper steps to heal, right? But, how do I go about that? For the past few years, I figured that my inner child would start healing once I have kids of my own and once I build a home that I didn’t get the chance to grow up in. However, I kind of gave up on that dream. My dream of getting married and starting a family. I’ve decided to follow the pursuit of art and walk down the path of becoming invincible under the sun. I made this decision because my attempts of being in a relationship and getting married have failed far too many times and it feels humiliating to continue. I think I may have given up on being loved by others. It feels like I’ve wasted too much time on that when I should’ve been focused on my art.

This piece brings me much peace and clarity despite the negative connotations behind it. I’m finally ready to move on and I’m prepared to move forward without looking back on my life and the things I didn’t experience. I feel confident enough to drop my arms and stop hiding the wounds that never quite closed up. The feeling is serene.

I understand that there are a lot of people who share my pain, but not everyone is on good terms with their father like I am with mine. People are still suffering from an absent father in their life and are operating on the lack of love and pain they have built up for many years. To anyone who can relate to this, isn’t it time to let all of that go? There is no point in carrying so much baggage and letting this pain define you. We must remember that it is not pain and trauma that make us who we are but it is the love and/or lack of love that does; and if that’s the case then, it’s about time we starting loving ourselves and/or surrounding ourselves with love in order to become who we truly are? Holding on to what did or didn’t happen will not serve us. The world will keep spinning and time stops for no one.

It is very important for me to stay present in the moment and never swaying from left to right. It is important for me to make my ego fade away and engulf myself into my work, because that way I can continue making beautiful and meaningful pieces like this. I am able to recognize who I truly am and notice the difference from who I was before. I am nothing more than an artist. Through and through. What has letting go and moving forward made you realize?